Christine speaks tocollege campuses around the country about Expectation Hangovers and The Myth of Having it All.  Bring her to your campus or alma mater!

Check out Christine's Campuspeak website

"I HIGHLY reccomend Twenty Something, Twenty Everything. It is a must read for all women in their twenties. Christine is a brilliant woman who I have come to adore. She is also a life coach and has helped me through some different crossroads in my life. If you need a great read, or even more, some one to help you through those confusing moments we all have in our twenties... Christine is an amazing person to talk to. She is one of the most intuitive people I have ever met and always offers great advice."
JB, 27
Read more testimonials

Twenty-Something Canadian identical twin sisters Jennifer and Fiona Lees are the creators behind the new and exciting lip-gloss line Balmshell. With no experience in the cosmetic industry and only the love of lip-gloss on their side, the sisters decided to take on the industry and with determination, hard work and a lot of style they turned their dream into a reality.  These self-described "cosmetic junkies", followed their passion and entrepreneurial instinct and developed what they considered to be the perfect lip-gloss. The gimmick is that each shade of gloss represents a different girly obsession, like shoes or shopping or boys, and features float art (like in those cheesy novelty pens) illustrating each theme. Expressed through the colourful illustrations and amusing storylines, Balmshell aims to celebrate the inner goddess that exists in all women.

Don't be shy - promote your business!  Are youatwenty-something up to something? 
Email info@christinehassler.comandtell us what you are up to!

Christine offersboth personal and career guidance,includinga mentoring program.  Email info@christinehassler.com
for more information. 

Whether you are preparing this Thanksgiving meal, feasting as a guest, or ordering take out - it's always fun to look around The Food Network's website.  This month they have a Thanksgiving guide which will be my resource of choice as I am hosting ten people!!!  How did that happen? Luckily I have this site and Whole Foods to help me out.  Their section on hosting a "stress-free" Thanksgiving is particularly helpful for either you or to pass on to any frazzled hostess. www.foodnetwork.com.

WOMAN SPEAK....

This is from an email that was forwarded to me. It makes me thankful to be a woman - the poor guys need a emotional translator to understand us.  Thank goodness for girlfriends!  

Words Women Use:
"Fine"
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
"Five Minutes"
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
"Nothing"
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something" and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually end in "fine".
"Go Ahead"
This is a dare, not permission, DON'T DO IT!
"Loud Sigh"
Although not actually a word, the loud sigh is often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".
"That's Okay"
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
"Thanks"
This is the least used of all words in the female vocabulary. If a woman is thanking you, do not question it, just say you're welcome and back out of the room slowly. 

Do you know about the Advisory Council of Men? Ifyouhave a question for the guy's perspective, email to info@20something20everything.comanddon't forget to put "Question for the Council"in the subject line.Allinformation is confidential and your name is not shared with thecouncil.

Dear Friends,

As Thanksgiving approaches, reminders to be grateful for what we have in life are upon us.  Practicing gratitude ALL year round is a key to sanity.  This holiday season, I am going to encourage you to take a conscious step to add an extra awareness to how you express gratitude. It is very common to list all the things you are grateful FOR or that you HAVE. . . health, family, the roof over our head, and so on.  But how often do your lists of gratitude include statements that are solely about who you ARE? 

This Thanksgiving, consider making a list of self-gratitude - spread some love to all those parts of you that are neglected, or shut down, or just not celebrated nearly enough.  Thank yourself for having the courage to look for a new job, being open to falling in love, showing compassion to your friends, practicing frugalness to achieve more financial balance, demonstrating enthusiasm by going to the gym, expressing creativity, or loving yourself enough to break a bad habit. 

Put the self-appreciating, "I am" into your gratitude practice.  Even bring love and lightness to the things you are not that fond of about yourself.  For example, I am not a very patient person and I criticize myself for that.  But I can bring light and gratitude to this quality simply by shifting my awareness to: "I am grateful that I am aware of my impatience and am practicing slowing down."

So start now!  Write your own self-reflective gratitude list - acknowledge yourself, your accomplishments, your characteristics, what you have learned, your willingness to make your first Thanksgiving turkey (that's one of mine) or even just the fact that each day you get yourself out of bed.  Self appreciation and recognition is not only self-loving, it creates a more loving energy field around you; thereby, attracting and radiating more love out to all the people and things you are grateful for. 

I hope you gobble up this November edition - there is an update from a Share Your Twenty Something 2005 contributor, an amazing lesson on how gratitude is good for your waistline (and much more!), an inspiring story of a woman who has found her calling to help other women find their voice, and of course a special top twenty.  

Happy Thanksgiving!

Fondly,


"Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment."
--Buddha

p.s. Missa newsletter?  Link to past editions in the archive.

Visit my discussionboard! Post questions, thoughts, advice, or stories. Please add 20something20everything.com/discussions/toyour favorites.

THE HEART OF THANKSGIVING
By Sheva Carr

It is that time of year when we get ready to eat too much.  Do holiday guilt and obligation ever eat at you for their Thanksgiving feasts? I don't have enough fingers and toes to count the Thanksgiving feasts I've sat at where gratitude is replaced with guilt for eating too much irritation by the abundance of food in front of me when I know there are "starving children in the world." How do we reconcile and appreciate our abundance in a world so desperately out of balance?

This year I started pondering the season's attitude of gratitude from a new perspective. Did it ever occur to you that calling the holiday "Thanksgiving" implies that gratitude itself might be a gift? Maybe even to those starving children in Africa?

"Yes," says new research, on the power of gratitude and appreciation, from the Institute of HeartMath®. Yes, gratitude is good for us, and our gratitude itself is good for the world around us.

It turns out that when we are in a state of appreciation, something unique happens to our heartbeats. They begin to drum in an orderly, harmonious rhythm. And because the heart is holding the baseline beat for the body's entire orchestra, 1400 other things happen in our physiology when our heart rhythms change. Prolonged states of gratitude, with the ordered heart rhythms they produce, have been proven to:

• Boost immunity
• Increase the production of the feel good fountain of youth hormone DHEA
• Increase longevity
• Reduce mortality
• Improve brain function
• Improve memory
• Enhance decision making and reaction times
• Increase creativity and innovative problem solving
• Improve job performance and achievement
• Lower the risk of major diseases including heart disease, diabetes, alzheimers, cancer, osteoporosis, and more
• Reduce fat around waist and thighs

Concerned about holiday weight gain? You'll love this- ordered heart rhythms and the DHEA that ensues from states of gratitude actually cause weight loss around the hips and thighs!  So being grateful for that extra piece of pumpkin pie is a better weight management strategy than depriving yourself out of guilt and self judgment! When we feel guilt, or other forms of emotional stress, it actually triggers a disordered rhythm in the heart, leading to another set of over 1400 physiological changes in the body including the release of the stress hormone cortisol. Excess levels of cortisol are present in:
• Cancer
• Diabetes
• Heart disease
• Obesity
• Hypertension
• Accelerated aging
• Reduced skin elasticity
• Brain cell death
• Compromised immunity
• Excess fat around waist and thighs
• And more

Clearly, when we are in a state of thanksgiving, we are really getting a lot. We are getting health, and youth, and vitality, improved performance and clear thinking. I have a whole business based around teaching people how to get the health and performance benefits of giving thanks through the heart. We even created a word for that special state of being in appreciation, and all the benefits we get from it: "Fyera!" But the holiday is not called "Thanksgetting." So where does the giving come in? 

Research on the heart shows that an average person's heart rhythm (one who is not even in an ordered state of gratitude!) can be detected more than eight feet beyond their body.  We all know this intuitively, because we've all experienced someone with a "contagious" mood. One person may walk into a room, and light everyone up with enthusiasm and inspiration. While another person may enter that same room and bring everyone down. Did you ever notice that people who light up a room tend to leave a trail of gratitude behind them? It's their appreciation that has such a potent impact on us. Their gratitude produces an ordered heart frequency that literally impacts other hearts they come near.  This means that when you are in a state of gratitude, you are literally a source of more order in the world.

Don't underestimate the powerful potential of your appreciation to change the world!
Giving thanks has ripple effects that cannot help but give back and give beyond. If you catch yourself slipping into self judgment, obligation, resentment, and other holiday treasons with justified reason this season, make that extra effort to shift your attention to something to appreciate- even if it's just for your own health! Celebrate Thanksgiving guilt free this year, knowing that giving thanks is giving back.

The nice thing about the physical benefit of gratitude is that it doesn't matter WHAT you are grateful for. It can be super small stuff. Your body does not know the difference between gratitude for winning the Nobel Prize, or gratitude for a great pedicure. As long as you are grateful from the heart, the benefits come. This is good news, because gratitude is not always easy (at least for me) to access. This Thanksgiving I will be alone, having recently lost my father and living far from other family members. Even though I have been consciously working with the power of appreciation for years, this holiday season took some extra muscle to find those little things to be grateful for. But I know it is worth it, because even the little things I appreciate have big pay-offs for my health, well being, and ability to contribute. You can always find something to be grateful for- like your favorite piece of fruit, or the fact that you can walk and wiggle your toes when others have lost that luxury.

Take a moment right now to connect with someone you appreciate. It might be a mentor, or a best friend, or pet (my own cat, sitting on my lap while I tap at the keyboard, started licking my fingers as I typed that last bit, Appreciation works!). What qualities do you appreciate about that person or furry friend? How does your body feel when you appreciate them? What happens to your ability to think? See what happens to them if you radiate your gratitude their way. It's a fun experiment that can reveal that giving thanks truly is a gift.

In 15 years of psychological research, Martin Seligman (head of the American Psychology Association) found only one thing that actually increased people's happiness. It was not Prozac. It was not the right career, or finding Mr. Right. It was the simple act of writing a gratitude list at the end of every day.

Try writing a "gratitude list" at the end of every day, between now and the holiday. Then watch the magic that gratitude creates in your life! Feeling good is not only good for you- it's good for the world. That's why our tag line at Fyera!, where we teach people to generate that feel good anywhere anytime is "Making a difference - in heartbeat!"

With all that giving thanks gives back, to us and to our world, it might not be a bad idea to make it Thanksgiving every day.

Sheva Carr is the founder of Fyera!, a peak performance stress management training center in LA. Sheva is also the founding Executive Director of the Fyera Foundation and Sunflower SunPower Kids, serving street children in Nicaragua. She speaks to people all over the world on how to access heart intelligence, and on how to receive the benefits of the heart's impact on consciousness, health, performance and creativity.
For more info:
www.fyera.com  www.sunflower-children.org
sheva@fyera.com

Fyera! is a trademark of Sheva Carr
HeartMath is a registered trademark of the Institute of HeartMath.  

SHARE YOUR TWENTYSOMETHING 
Grateful for what I have learned
By Megan, 26, England 
I first contributed to Christine's "Share your Twenty-something" just over a year ago. At the time I was reeling from a recent break-up and madly working multiple jobs in preparation to move from Australia to the UK.  I've have now made the move. I live in London and work for the UK's largest media company as a writer. It really is a dream come true! But it wasn't all smooth sailing getting here. 

I landed at London's Heathrow airport in early February with no where to live and no job. My parents thought I was mad and many of my friends thought I was running away but I knew I was running toward something better.

I moved into a cottage in central London and in order to pay rent I took on a badly paying job as a receptionist. It was depressing - almost soul destroying. I had worked so hard to get into the publishing industry in Sydney and then thrown it all away on a hair-brained idea to change continents and start all over again. 

Luckily I discovered I am equally determined as I am crazy. I practically stalked my few publishing contacts and in a moment of fleeting confidence I found myself knocking on publishing doors London-wide persistently handing over my resume proclaiming "I can write, give me a job". I rang a company five times in one morning before they said they would see me! It is amazing what you do when desperate. I have managed to re-launch my career and by throwing myself in the deep end I have learned more about writing, deadlines and professionalism than I ever would have known if I had stayed in a small publishing company in Sydney.

It was just a couple of weeks ago that I re-read my contribution to Christine's "Share your Twenty-something." It shocked me to experience all the feelings and memories come flooding back as I read. I feel like the past 12 months of struggle and upheaval have made me into a different person. It's quite refreshing to know I have changed and it shows me time has healed.

The healing however is not complete - but I like it that way - the scars that remain remind me of the lessons I learned. At the moment I know I struggle with rejection probably because I know how it feels, the poetry I write still resounds with heartbreak and I am fearful that I may never find love. A fear that may be founded; as I sit here and write I am as single as anyone can possibly get! There is not even the hint of romance on the horizon. Something I am reminded of when my father calls from Australia and says, "Come home, get married and buy a house" - like I can grab all the necessities of life in a quick trip to the local mall. 

Occasionally guys show interest, which is nice, but I'm not interested. Some of my friends feel that I am not giving love a chance but I know what I want and I'm not going to make do with anything less. I have been on dates. I have ended up in limousines, at expensive restaurants and on romantic harbor cruises. I dated the cute guy from the office, I dated the guy with money, I even dated my ex's boyfriends flat-mate! It was fun but I discovered when one dates sparks should fly - anything less is a waste of time.
 
I spend a lot of time talking with my single friends about their love lives. Have you ever noticed how many women the world over are suffering from heart-sickness? Close girlfriends of mine are continually updating me on how they feel about a man in their life, why it is not working, when he last called and what he said. Every last detail is dissected and examined. It's not healthy! I did it. I spent much of last year dissecting my broken relationship. 

Spending so much time picking over a broken heart means that we forget about the most important people in our lives - the people that still love us. Now I have a list of all the VIP's in my life stuck up on my wall. These are the people that love me unconditionally, the people I can't afford to neglect. Many of my VIP list live in Australia so it has to be a priority for me to email them and to pick up the phone to let them know I care.

Being single for over a year now means I have spent a lot of time just hanging out with myself and discovering me - unfortunately what I have discovered isn't all good! I am not as confident as I should be (I constantly second guess myself which causes others to do the same), my organization often flies right out the window and I lack focus; always dreaming up another plan that I want to achieve this instant.

My need to be constantly planning is also something that I like about myself. My world used to be the size of the town where I was born. Now it starts and ends with the world itself. This year I have been to Paris and Rome, and traveled around the UK. I am about to jump on the plane to New York for a holiday and head to Poland on a skiing trip for the New Year. I want to study fashion design, I want to put a backpack on my back and set off by myself for a couple of months traveling and I want to do some charity work. The only thing that holds me back right now is fear and funding - huge obstacles, I know - but I am hoping I can just keep sailing and do it all eventually.
 

STORY OF STRENGTH
"Helping Victims of Domestic Violence"
By Emily Janes

When I am asked how I began working in the field of domestic violence, I usually answer that I started volunteering on a rape crisis hotline during college because I classmate and friend of mine was assaulted and I wanted to try to do something about it.  But it goes back even further.  I can also remember a girl in high school who was held down in a bathroom at a party while members of the soccer team grabbed her in sexual ways.  There was an all school assembly to discuss the incident.  People talked about who was distorting the truth and "things getting out of hand" but no one used the word sexual assault.  I remember another girl who was given a spiked drink.  She doesn't remember anything that happened that night but the next day one of the guys was telling all of his friends he had had sex with her.  The kids talked about who was lying and was he a jerk but no one used the word rape.  I went to an affluent high school and those things didn't happen there.  But I knew something was wrong with the way all this was being handled.
 
In college I started volunteering on a hotline and ended up running the student rape-crisis services.  When I graduated, I took a 6-month internship which turned into a two-year job with a program that worked in domestic violence and health education.  During the day, I was developing a health-education curriculum for teenagers to address everything from drugs and alcohol to teen dating violence to gang-prevention.  Nights and weekends, the interns were given room and board in exchange for staffing the program's domestic violence shelter.
 
For two years I lived in a shelter alongside women and children who could not live at home because of their partner's violence and need to control them.  We talked about the cycle of violence and restraining orders and safety planning, but because we lived together we also made pancakes on Sunday mornings and popcorn on Friday nights.  We talked about which nail polish colors looked best and which cheesy love-songs made us cry.  We had normal conversations and enjoyed the little things in life that an abusive partner frequently takes away (sometimes the things, sometimes the joy of those things).  People often think that for a person to be a victim of domestic violence, there must be something about them that draws or deserves the abuse, that there is something that separates an abuse victim from "the rest of us".  There's not.
 
Since then, I have held many jobs working with domestic violence in many capacities.  I have worked in shelters in rural areas and in big cities.  I have accompanied women through emergency room exams and police interviews.  I have been an advocate in the criminal court system and have helped women to secure housing, counseling, and safe employment.  Now I train staff and volunteers who work at hotlines, shelters, and domestic violence advocacy programs.
 
I have seen thousands of abusive relationships.  Some were very brutal and got covered in the media.  But most of my clients received no press coverage and remained largely invisible: women who were seeking restraining orders because their boyfriends were stalking them after a break up; women who came in for counseling because their husbands had made them feel so worthless that they no longer could hold jobs, relate to friends, or feel happy; women who went to the emergency room because their partner "lost control" and slammed them into a wall or choked them or threw something that hit them. 
 
The women I have worked with come from all backgrounds.  They are stay-at-home moms and successful business women.  They are teenagers and they are grandmothers.  They have gotten their educations on the streets or in community college or in the country's top universities.  They have children or don't.  They come from broken homes or they come from intact and loving families.  The only thing that they have in common is that they fell in love with someone who manipulated them and trapped them in a bad relationship.
 
Several of my former clients, usually women who were economically at the higher end of the spectrum, told me that until they came into my office they never knew there were services available to help them.  Some did not know that the programs even existed, others thought that domestic violence programs were just for women who were poor or unable to pay for a therapist or an attorney, or for women who had experienced that media-covered severe brutality.  They didn't feel like the problems in their relationship such as their husband getting jealous over an unidentified number and breaking their cell-phone, being criticized for spending money on themselves, living with constant anxiety because their partner blew up at the littlest things, slamming doors and throwing things and seemingly "one step way" from hitting them - was domestic violence.  Most felt relieved to have someone to talk to, someone to help them put things into perspective, and offer solutions to problems they faced in safely leaving these relationships.  A few suggested that they were going to start their own agencies - like the movie "The First Wives' Club" - and hire me to help them.
 
I was flattered, happy that they had found the empowerment to make changes in their lives and to be able to play a role in that.  But it also made me question why these women felt so alienated from the discussion of domestic violence and from all of the services available to help them.  It made me think back to those girls in high school and why the students, and more importantly the parents and the administrators, never fully acknowledged the violence happening to the girls (or the boys that were perpetrating it).  In domestic violence services, there is a recent emphasis to focus on "underserved populations".  Pamphlets are translated into different languages, wheelchair ramps are added to shelters.  But what about these girls and women?  They are still feeling left out because the violence in their lives goes un-named, gets ignored or dismissed.
 
None of my former clients have started a first-wives club yet, but I decided to do something myself.  In working with teen dating violence and domestic abuse for so long, one of the things that I think stands in the way of getting the help needed to escape unhealthy relationships is the misperception about what abuse is and what the services for victims of abuse are.  This leaves a huge gap, and a lot of girls and women alone to question their experiences and figure out solutions.  I think that the words "domestic violence" still conjure up images of OJ Simpson or crazy men in a violent rage, not the people we love (even if they are hurting us), and not the verbal abuse or more subtle forms of manipulation that are the precursors to physical violence.  And because abuse is often depicted as a problem in working class families with lower educational levels or salary ranges, women with education, good career, or affluent partners don't identify with "domestic violence".  So I wanted to create a way to reach out to these women.
 
The result is No Shelter For Me which provides education and information both to the individuals who are in abusive (or potentially abusive) relationships and to the service providers who knowingly or unknowingly work with victims of domestic violence.  No Shelter For Me provides education, awareness, and support when strength is hard to find.  For more information, email noshelterforme@mac.com 
 

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